Your control

When I thought of life is this what I imagined

I wanted to be a doctor, a scientist, not stuck without a friend

my goals were so farfetched maybe they would have never come

but at least more than this, a reason to live, some

thing to keep me going, maybe someone. Day in and day out

nobody even understands what I’m upset about.

two parts of me at war, one content and fine

the other pissed that I had to change to suit you, should have been a sign.

I threw out all of my old shoes, the ones with the huge heels

you didn’t like the gothic look, so no tattoos even though we didn’t compromise or deal.

It was just all me changing to make you happy

to try to get you to love me, and now that you do, I can really see

that maybe this is all a farce, I haven’t ever been myself

but what do I do now, for so long my feelings have been on a shelf.

So now you’re surprised I want to bust out and yell

after all this time you think my old self fell

but she was just hidden away from you and from me too

but now she’s pissed and wants answers, she wants life anew.

So how do I make myself one again

with all this pain in my past, she was my savior but also my sin

but I miss her strength, the passion and fearlessness

my perfect soul is still broken, so amiss

and yet still I find I want your love, your acceptance

but what will it take for you to understand her vengeance

holding a grudge, for many years of reasons

she was before my only beacon

and taken her from  me, you nearly did, but I allowed it for so long,

but with me is where she belongs.

Soon I will learn how to make two halves, whole

and we will be beyond your control.


  1. whole is one thing I thought I’d never find myself.

    1. novareylin · · Reply

      Takes that special someone to help put what is broken back together.

  2. We have always been whole, that perfection is obscured by the clouds of confusion and misunderstanding. By knowing our primordial wisdom we can sweep away those dark clouds.


    1. novareylin · · Reply

      Working on that! Just seems to be a slow process. Funnily enough, I just got a Dummies for Buddhism book, I enjoy reading your blog more though!

      1. that book is for dummies no really. Go to your library read anything by the Dalai Lama and see where it takes you.
        My blog is by no means an authentic source of information on Buddhism. Just the scribbled of a confused mind.


      2. novareylin · ·

        Heheh … I have a few from the Dalai Lama as well.

        The scribbles of a confused mind are sometimes the best!

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